The Secret to Getting Directions

This is a fun little article I did based off of Dave Barry's Guide to Guys. It really is just for fun, so please enjoy. I first published it February 3rd, 2007.

Many people don't realize how easy it is to get directions, but I'm here to explain to you how, and why it works. Whenever you're driving, and you are not sure where you are going, all you need to do is stop at any local convenience store. Then you simply have to utter the word 'lost', 'directions', or 'how', and directions will promptly be given.

How do I know this? Its a simply law of physics that at any point in time, there is at least one guy present at any convenience store. Now I don't mean man, I mean guy. For more about the difference between the two, see Dave Barry's Guide to Guys. But the interesting feature of guys that is relevant here is that every guy is incredibly proud of his ability to know how to get around. Therefore, if you offer him a chance to give you directions, to refuse would be in direct opposition to his nature; he wont be able to help himself.

Now how can I guarantee that there is always a guy present? Well it is very simple. Whenever there are no guys present in a convenience store, it causes a masculinity vacuum, or as meteorologists call it, a low masculine pressure system. Just like any other kind of low pressure system, this creates a kind of vortex known as a guy vortex, drawing in any guys in the area. It may accomplish this in a few different ways: low gas prices, causing a guy to have a case of the munchies or need of a beer, or making him think there isn't any milk left at home. These are merely the most basic draws, but as the vortex builds, its techniques become more dangerous, sometimes resulting in an explosion or fire in a desperate attempt to draw guys from the fire department in.

However, one of the most interesting effects is the generation of nag currents. You see, if a guy vortex becomes incredibly powerful, it emits what's known as a nag current, which enters into the subconscious mind of a guy's wife, causing her to nag just hard enough to get the guy to stop and ask for directions. Ironically, if she succeeds in this, his entrance into the convenience store dissipates the low masculine pressure system, meaning that there is no guarantee that another guy is there, or that another guy will come in soon. One can see the danger in this if you consider this scenario:

A guy and his wife take a honeymoon to Washington DC. While there, it seems as if the guy is lost, though in reality he is simply finding his way around. In either case, the wife picks up some nag currents, and is able to convince her new husband to stop at a convenience store. At the same time, a consulate in the area realizes that she can't find a particular spot, and stops at this same convenience store. Now, the only guy there doesn't know how to give her directions, but gives her directions anyway, because, as I said before, he cannot help himself. The result is that she gets more lost than she was, and is late for her conference with the president. The result is her country thinks that the US did something to the consulate, and fires a nuke and DC, and war breaks out.

And this is why you should never ask a guy to stop and ask for directions.