May 20, 2013

Why Being a Calvinist Is Awesome

[This is satire. Everything said here is meant to be funny.
I am fully aware that what I am saying is an exaggeration.]

I've given up. After much struggling, I've finally have been convinced by robust arguments of the Young, Restless and Reformed. Now I can enjoy all of the benefits of my better understanding of the Bible, like:
  1. I get all the cool teachers: I can just enjoy everything Piper, MacArther, and White have to say. Not to mention historically I can claim Calvin, Luther, Augustine, Edwards, Pink, etc. Sure, I may loose leading Christian apologists such as William Lane Craig, John Lennox, and Ravi Zacharias, and I may loose John Wesley, C S Lewis, and all but one of the early church fathers, but its not who they are, or what they teach, but their popularity that matters.
  2. Being both proud and humble at the same time: One of the great things about being Calvinist is that no matter how much better, or smarter, or more godly I may be to the other people around me, I don't have to worry about losing my humility because of how aware I am of God being greater than I am.
  3. Calvinists have their own code: It is fantastic that words like soveriegnty, election, and grace mean something completely different when I use than when the rest of the world uses them. It's our own code language, and since when was that not fun?
  4. I get to be a serious theologian while only having to learn 5 terms: I can learn TULIP and its basic collorlaries in a couple of days. Who cares that I have not thought out all of the implications. That's what the cool teachers are for. I can simply be confident that they have answered all the questions that really matter and then just quote them. After all, the Calvinist answer is always the best answer
  5. I'm the only one that's allowed to claim mystery: It's only a contradiction if its in someone else's theology.
  6. Being thoroughly biblical:I care about basing my beliefs solely on the Bible. That is why I only read and quote Calvinist authors.
  7. Balanced theology: Unlike Arminianism, Calvinism carefully balances all of the issues. That is why we have Hypercalvinism on one-side, and Arminianism, Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy, Semiaugustinianism, Semipelagianism, and Pelagianism on the other side. We're smack dab in the middle!
  8. Being against the flesh: We want to believe in free will, because of our sinly impulses. Calvinism shows its integrity of going against those worldly impulses by denying it, unlike Hinduism, Islam, Atheism, Gnosticism, and Plato and Aristotle.
  9. A better name: When was the last time "Calvinist" was confused with a nationality? And it's recognized by spell check.
I couldn't think of a 10th reason. Anyone else who can think of a really good 10th reason why being a Calvinist is awesome, please mention it in the comments below.

12 comments:

MrErr said...

hahaha funny!

SLW said...

10) I don't have to worry about whether I'll be sent to the company of the Devil or God in the hereafter, because I can't tell the two apart

Kevin Jackson said...

Love it. :)

10) I get to be a founding member of the ESV only movement.

Steve Finnell said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jc_Freak: said...

Dear Steve,

I am sorry that I needed to delete your comment. I have some rules attached to this blog, and your comment broke rule III (your comment was impossibly long) and rule IV (in terms of refences several passages of Scripture, but not interacting with their content and context).

Richard Coords said...

12) Believing in the "hard truths," as James White calls it, means that the more that I violate my conscience, the more amount of faith is demonstrated in order to believe it. So now as a new Calvinist, my faith has never been higher!

Anonymous said...

10: Half the history: I don't have to worry about the first 1500 years of 'Christian' thought because the REAL gospel didn't start until the reformation.

11: New definitions: I get to make new definitions that I am free to change at any time & in any context for ideas such as:
a. free will
b. choose
c. God's will

Richard Coords said...

As a Calvinist, I get to claim that no one else understands it.

Sample: "Frankly what Steven Hitchcock writes about Calvinism is largely untrue and he has misunderstood it."

See. Nothing else is needed. So as a convert to Calvinism, you now possess the "all knowledge and wisdom" trump card, which overrides any complaint against it, and without the pesky need of further elaboration.

Anonymous said...

10. You get to assume your kids are elect. (http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/teaching-doctrine-to-a-six-year-old) This has Piper pretty much telling his daughter she's elect.

Jc_Freak: said...

I think Richard wins with that last one.

Anonymous said...

Being a Calvinist is awesome because we know God's secret will. Don't ask me how we found it out, just take our word for it, we know it.

lucky1dawg1 said...

A very sad article indeed

Glad I will not have to answer for it